a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
