Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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