You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
