I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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