I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder meâ€
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
