i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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