Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
