Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
