We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
