i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
