I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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