Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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