Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(703): View more from Virginia

I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.

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(319): View more from Iowa

You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there

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(989): View more from Michigan

we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet

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(253): View more from Washington

I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.

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