Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
