Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
