Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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