Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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