theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My ass is underappreciated
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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