The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
