I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
