Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
