Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
