You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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