I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
