did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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