i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize