hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
