My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
