Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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