i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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