Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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