my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
