its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
