I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
