You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Sext me about skeletons
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
