Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
