she takes plan B like it's going out of style
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
