Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
