The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
