Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
