we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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