Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
