Don't make out with my wife yet
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
