Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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