I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
