he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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