ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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