Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
