When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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