I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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