mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
