you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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